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An Argument for a Mid-Life Crisis

OH SHIT, I’M OLD!

Yea, it happens to the best of us. One day you crawl out of bed, your body cracking and groaning, do the slow shuffle into the bathroom and catch a glimpse of…your dad (or mom) in the mirror.
“SONUVABITCH!”

Like an 80’s movie montage your life flashes before your eyes. Where did my body go? Where did my dreams go? How did this happen? Why did this happen? Why is God angry at me? I already covered some of this here: 3 Things That Pussified You After 30

But guess what? Your freak-out is the first step to getting your shit back together.

Think a minute about how you progressed as a human being. For most of us it was a steady motion of moving forward, fucking up, learning, moving forward again. This starts when we are infants learning to walk. It gets more complicated as time goes on: athletics, academics, dating, working, marriage, parenting….then….you get complacent. You quit moving forward, to avoid having to fuck up, to avoid having to learn, to avoid having to move forward. Whether you do it intentionally or unconsciously, it happens. Learn more here: 3 Reasons You Fail & How to Fix It

So you’re done freaking out…now what?

1) Make a list

Choose 5 things you want to change. These can be vague and general: “travel more,” “look better,” “read more,” etc. You really just want to identify some general changes. Do this without creating caveats. A lot of people will think of excuses why they CAN’T do something at almost the same time they think of what they want to do. This is probably what got you stuck in this mess in the first place.

2) Get specific

Break down your general list. If you want to travel, pick one place you really want to go. If you want to look better, pick a body fat percentage, or a clothing item to fit into. You get the point. Once again….no excuses. Just write it down.

3) Prioritize

Don’t list it by what is feasible. List it by what would make you happiest. STOP MAKING EXCUSES! You’re allowed to be selfish about this. These are YOUR goals and it’s YOUR happiness. One thing (especially women) tend to do is worry about taking care of everyone else’s needs. This is stupid. The greatest thing you can do is set an example of how to live a life of meaning. So do it.

4) Do it…Do it

Guess which one of these on your list you are going to start with? Good guess. Now comes the hard part; You actually have to do something. Monetary restrictions holds back a lot of dreams. I get this. However, I bet you spend money on stupid shit. Do you spend $5.00 a day on your stupid Grande Frappucino Mustachio Carmello Vanilla coffee with extra smug on top? Stop it. BOOM! I just saved you over $1500 a year to put toward your goal. I also probably just solved your dad-bod/mom-bod problem too.

5) Don’t be a stereotype

Yea, mid-life crises have some negative manifestations: cheating on your wife with the check-out girl at Bed, Bath, & Beyond, buying a motorcycle, getting glute implants, etc. are not cool. These are manifestations of a deeper hatred for your shitty life. Honestly though, if number one on your list is: “get glute implants,” maybe you and I should part ways. Oh, and stay the hell out of Bed, Bath, & Beyond!

If you are a younger man or woman and you’ve read this far, I am going to give you the key to success in life: re-invent yourself every 5-7 years. Sometimes this is as simple as buying a new wardrobe; Sometimes it’s as complicated as quitting a job and finding a new career. Complacency is the killer of dreams, kids. The goal in life is to strive for something better every day. It doesn’t have to be monumental, but it has to be.

I HATE WORKING OUT

My confession: I hate working out. I’m over it. I’ve been lifting since 1989. That’s a long time to be sore.

I’ve done all the lifts. I’ve done all the programs. I’ve done all the protocols and systems. I even invented some along the way. I’m fucking tired.

So now I’m trying to determine why I still do it. I remember a friend of mine in marketing telling me, “People are most motivated by fear of loss”.
So, that’s the simple reason: I don’t want to lose what I spent most of my life trying to achieve. Though I’m not sure if I’m ok with just routine maintenance….just keeping the jalopy on the road. I would like to think I can still improve.

But it has to be more than fear of loss. It would be easy to justify quitting. Have you noticed the average 40+ male? I think I’m ahead of the game. I could quit working out and still be in better shape than anyone at my 30 year high school reunion.

So what is it that keeps me in the gym?

I HATE SELF-INFLICTED MEDIOCRITY! 99.999% of everything you do is a choice. Most people that aren’t sociopaths will instinctively choose things that society deems appropriate…wash your hands after you poop, don’t kill anyone, don’t beat your kids or pets, etc. These are rules we follow to get along with other human beings. But what about the less obvious choices that either make us better or keep us in a mire of self-loathing?

You get up, you follow all rules of hygiene, you don’t kill anyone or beat your kids or pets…so far so good. Then you CHOOSE to eat a half-dozen donuts…you didn’t have to eat something crappy…you CHOSE to. Then you feel like shit, you make excuses…”didn’t have time, blah blah”….BULLSHIT. Not having time for a good meal is still a choice…you fucked up way before you realized you fucked up. This becomes a pattern. You have CHOSEN mediocrity. Which is cool if that’s what you want. But don’t complain about it, because this is what you have chosen. It’s YOUR fault. YOU fucked up. YOU are to blame.

I refuse to be the catalyst for my own demise.
Is skipping a workout more comfortable? Yes.
Is eating shitty food easier? Yes.
Is giving up easy? Yes.
Do I want to wake up in 10 years and wonder why I look and feel like crap? NO.

So, here is my (very) basic plan for not accidentally on purpose waking up a hot mess:

1)Schedule your workouts like it’s a priority The key to this is to be honest and realistic. Don’t schedule 2-a-days knowing that it’s damn near impossible. I lift 3 days a week for 60 minutes, and do 1 day of metabolic training. That’s it. I get in, work hard, move on. You may need to find a workout buddy to keep you on track. Or hire a personal trainer to keep you on schedule. Or just quit being a pussy by making excuses.

2)Schedule your food Know what and when you are going to eat the day before. Even if you plan on eating crap, write it down. Now you OWN it. It’s a choice. You can’t say “it was an accident”. You will eventually notice it’s just as easy to eat healthy than it is to eat poorly. I’m not saying you have to eat “perfect” every day (whatever that is). What I’m saying is that you need to own up to your choices.

3)Schedule your fun By far, this is where people fuck up the most. I know, you’re like “but, Ethan, I want it to be spontaneous.” Fuck that. You can’t handle spontaneous. Spontaneous takes resources and time you probably don’t have. I know about 2 people that can have spontaneous fun. They have a shit-ton of money. Like, buying a Lamborghini with cash kind of money. You don’t have that. If you do, send me a private message. You will find that you will spend more time thinking about how to enjoy yourself and your family. More importantly, you won’t fill that time with other BS.

4)Surround yourself with like-minded bad-asses If your friends suck, you will suck too. This has been proven scientifically and sociologically. Find some people that share your same vision and goals; People that will make you feel guilty when you make the wrong choice. Unfortunately, this means getting rid of the ass-anchors that hold you down. Or at least learning to ignore them.

5)Know your goals How can you possibly make wise choices that will advance you to greatness if you don’t even know what that greatness is? This is why I still lift even though I don’t enjoy it like I used to. It fits with my goals. Most people have seen my “success flow chart”. If not, here it is:

No, it’s not always that simple. But most of the time it is.

I’m obviously no guru or master of anything (I’d be the one buying Lambos with cash), but I know this: life is all about choices, and sometimes choosing the things you NEED to do rather than the things you WANT to do puts you in a better situation than you would ever plan (or not plan) to be in.

The Secret Is Out (Building a Diamond)

Thanks to my good friend Bryan Krahn, the programming I’ve been using with my clients and myself for 13 years as a combo metabolic conditioning/strength building/boredom smashing workout has been made public. If you missed his post, you can read it here: http://www.bryankrahn.com/lose-fat-by-building-muscle
He calls it the “Kidney Shitter”. I’ve always called it a “Ladder,” but since the former is scary and the term “Ladder” is used for a different type of strength programming, I have decided to call it the “Diamond Protocol”. This sounds very James Bond-ish and sexy, and it actually describes the layout of the program well.

The Options: I’ve used this same protocol in a variety of ways, but here are the 3 main options:

1)Antagonist Muscle Groups: biceps/triceps, chest/back, etc.

2)Compound Legs: ham & glute dominant/quad dominant

3)Full-Body: Leg/Push/Pull

The Setup: This workout requires some planning the first few times you do it. The more exercises you know, the more fun this can be. You will need 6-9 exercises. This means that if you are doing antagonist muscle groups(i.e. biceps/triceps), you will need at least 3 exercises for biceps, and 3 for triceps. If you are doing full-body, you will need at least 2 leg, 2 push, and 2 pull. I recommend just going with a 6 exercise Diamond to start. If you do the quick math, at minimum, you will be doing 36 sets. At the max. end with 9 exercises you will be doing 81 sets. Yes, you read that right; 9 sets of 9 exercises = 81.

You will do one exercise, rest 20-60 seconds (less rest for the beginning and end of the diamond, more for the middle), then do that same exercise again and add one more, short rest, then 1 and 2, then add another. So on and so forth. When you get to the apex, you start subtracting off the front end.

The programming for a 9 exercise diamond looks like this:

1
1,2
1,2,3
1,2,3,4
1,2,3,4,5
1,2,3,4,5,6
1,2,3,4,5,6,7
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9
2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9
3,4,5,6,7,8,9
4,5,6,7,8,9
5,6,7,8,9
6,7,8,9
7,8,9
8,9
9

HEY, THAT’S A FUTHER MUCKIN’ DIAMOND!

The Weights: You should choose a weight of which you could do 20 reps with difficulty. You can also do bodyweight (pushups, pull-ups, jump squats, jumping split squats, etc.), sprints, jumprope, or crazy stuff like sled-pushes.

The reps: your rep range is going to be 8-15. Why is this such a wide range, you ask? Because you won’t be changing the weights you choose at the beginning, and like I mentioned before: YOU COULD BE DOING 81 SETS! This means that at the beginning, you may be hitting 15 reps of an exercise, and toward the end it will only be 8 before you fail. If you want to go the more H.I.I.T or Supramax training route, you could do 30-60 seconds of bodyweight or cardio-esque exercises also.

The Time: This is what always surprises people. The 6 exercise diamond, when done correctly, will take about 18-35 minutes (yup, 36 sets in 18 minutes). The 9 exercise diamond will take close to an hour. How is it possible that you can do 81 sets in an hour? Simple answer: you ain’t resting much, Jack. Your rest time is capped at 60 seconds, and for most of the diamond it’s going to be less.

The Frequency: Do not do this protocol more than 3 times a week if it’s your primary way you want to work, and no more than once a week if you are supplementing your normal lifting program. It’s just too taxing on your neurological system and recovery gets to be an issue.
Keep in mind too my basic rules: http://www.thestrongerlife.com/muscle-less-bs/ . Never stick to one type of training, rep range, set range, or modality. The Diamond is yet another tool in the toolbox.

The Results: I have used this for years with great results in strength, hypertrophy, and metabolic increases for me and my clients. Several years ago when I was really into developing this system, my own BMR when testing on a gas-exchange test after doing ONLY this type of workout for over a year was around 2400 calories. Translation: my metabolism was cranking’.
I was 192 lbs. at around 8-9% body fat, and my bench, squat, and deadlift tested at around 80% of my 1 RM from the previous year of doing traditional absolute strength training; However, my 10 rep max was SIGNIFICANTLY higher in all those lifts, and my heart rate recovery was wicked fast. The only reason I quit doing this as my primary workout programming is because I got bored with it after a couple years. Now that I’ve been doing traditional bodybuilding splits for a while, I’ve gone back to using a diamond as my conditioning/metabolic training at the end of the week. It’s also my go-to when a willing Canadian Bro like Bryan Krahn comes into town and wants to do something crazy for arms.

The Warning: The diamond is no joke. I have used it for all populations by just adjusting the type of exercises (a bicep curl is going to be significantly less stressful than a dumbbell snatch), but even at the “easy” end this can be a rough one for people. Just like any program, start slow and get comfortable with it. Most importantly, NEVER SACRIFICE FORM FOR REPS!!!

3 Reasons You Fail (and How to Fix It)

I’m not going to pretend that I succeed at everything I do; That’s ridiculous. However, I keep getting reminded that I might be doing things right: My job makes me happy. I have a hot wife. My son is not an asshole. I vacation to fun places. I’m in the best shape of my life. And I get to train jiu-jitsu with some of the coolest guys on the planet.

So, I may not be the richest or the most powerful guy on the planet, but I might know a thing or two about success (and consequently failure). So here are some of my observations on why other people can’t seem to get their shit together (and some ideas on how to deal with it).

1) You Fear Success This is very real. Have you found yourself on the verge of success, then things start going wrong? You get easily agitated, you start making dumb decisions, you procrastinate on decisions that lead to success, “other people” are trying to sabotage you. Does this seem to happen over and over again? We are taught that fear is negative, so we tend to ignore it. Then it manifests itself in stupid ways. Then we fail. This is failure loop and you might be in one right now.

2) Your Goal is Wrong Your failure may be irrelevant. You might be choosing the wrong goal. I see this a lot as a personal trainer. People choose goals that are divergent from what they ACTUALLY want. Do you want to lose weight or do you want to feel great in a bikini? Sometimes those are 2 different paths.

3) You Don’t Actually Deserve it You might be failing because you think success is OWED to you. It’s NOT. One of my favorite quotes is, “the harder I work, the luckier I get”. Damn right.
I understand that some people get success they don’t deserve. In England they call them Royals. In America we call them Kardashians. Guess what? You ain’t a Royal OR a Kardashian.

SO NOW WHAT?

OWN AND CONQUER YOUR FEAR Success is complicated. Failure is not. But it is still just a series of choices that leads to one or the other. Retired MMA Fighter/TV Personality Chael Sonnen has a great quote regarding this:

“They’ll tell you failure is not an option. That is ridiculous. Failure is always an option. Failure is the most readily available option at all times, but it’s a choice. You can choose to fail or you can choose to succeed.”

The first thing you have to do is acknowledge fear. Fear is not weakness. Fear can be a great motivator. Yes, success means more pressure and demands. It puts you in a place to be scrutinized and criticized.

Fuck it. Someone’s gonna succeed, it might as well be you.

Another reason people fear success is because they think it will change their identity. Yea, it probably will. Guess what? That’s the point. It’s still YOU, it’s just a YOU with a better body, or more money, a better job, or whatever your goal is.

SCREW YOUR GOAL…IT’S LAME What is it that you REALLY want. Focus more on your DREAMS. Most people’s goals are related to health or finance. This can cause them to be dictated by other people’s definition of success, which means there are no personal feelings associated with the goal. Saying “I want to lose 20 pounds” doesn’t have the same personal connection as “I want to be able to wear a swimsuit and feel comfortable and confident.” This kind of goal can have a lot more to it than just losing some weight. Once you figure out what it is that you REALLY want, you can focus on the details. Until then, you will continue to chase success and fail.

YOU HAVE TO WORK, NOT JUST SUFFER Have you really worked for it or have you just suffered as a victim for so long that you think you DESERVE it? There is a huge difference. No one OWES you shit. You either go get it or you don’t. Suffering does not equal DOING something. Suffering is something that happens TO you. So quit yer bitchin’ and go make something happen. Some things take a lot of work and a lot of time. Yes, you can fail. You can fail A LOT. But don’t treat yourself like a victim for failing. You failed because you need to learn something you haven’t learned yet. So learn the lesson, blame only yourself, and move upward.

5 LIFE LESSONS FROM THE GYM

“It wasn’t until my late twenties that I learned that by working out I had given myself a great gift. I learned that nothing good comes without work and a certain amount of pain. When I finish a set that leaves me shaking, I know more about myself. When something gets bad, I know it can’t be as bad as that workout.”
-Henry Rollins

Damn right, Hank.

For 26 years I have been around the iron (and 1 year the shitty brown Weider plastic). I have been in smelly gyms with steroid addled freaks, clean gyms with high-end clientele, hot warehouses with only a handful of dumbbells, air-conditioned high-tech sports clubs, and every variation in-between. I have learned the lessons that the gym can teach us about life.
Below are 5 that seem to have a commonality among other iron initiated people. No particular order on these.

1) Failure is temporary(and necessary) Think about how many times you’ve “failed” in the gym. What do you next time? You try again…one more rep…5 more pounds. Then you succeed. Then you fail again. Then you try again. Sound familiar? You read it in every successful person’s biography.

2) Be confident but humble There is a very large difference between confidence and arrogance. You CAN’T be arrogant with 500 lbs. You will learn a lesson in pain you won’t soon forget. You CAN believe in yourself and in your abilities. Everyday challenges are overcome by the confident, by the person that can believe they have the gifts, the training, the environment to succeed. Arrogant people think they have the right to succeed, that it is OWED to them. Arrogant people get punched in the nose.

3) Some days just suck Guess what? Today might suck. Today might suck in every possible way. You know what else? It probably won’t suck as bad tomorrow. Some times you just aren’t feeling it. You don’t always have to be “on”. It’s ok. You don’t beat yourself up over it.

4) Results correlate directly with effort The philosopher Seneca said, “Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity”. Yea, pretty much…unless it’s a lottery winner. They’re just lucky pricks.
In the weight room, no one ever says, “Dude got lucky and squatted 650″. You succeed because you put in the work.

5) Don’t be a dick More politely: Don’t judge others. Everyone has their own path. Maybe YOUR goals are completely different from someone else’s. Maybe someone totally digs being a barista. Don’t get pissed at them if they don’t want to be a CEO. Maybe someone is cool just running on the treadmill. Don’t hate because they aren’t under the squat bar twice a week. You don’t know most people’s situation or goals. Just let them do them. You do you.*

*I have to add a caveat on this one. I am a trainer and an educator. I feel like I have a responsibility to help others find a better way to reach their goals. Some people do weird crap in the gym because they just don’t know a better way. In this instance, I feel like it is my responsibility to intervene. If you have a special skill or experience, it is ok to help someone struggling. But you still can’t be a dick about it.

Thanks to everyone on Facebook that sent me their personal “lessons.” I was not really surprised that most of them correlated. Those that know, know.

ENTER STICKMAN

Even seemingly rational and educated people seem to throw common sense out the window when they step into the weight room. So, I started a fun little series of crappy drawings called “Stickman Biomechanics” on Facebook explaining basic biomechanics and to give people some pause before they “just do it, Brah”.
Below are 2 that people really seemed to enjoy, 1 that really pissed people off, and 1 bonus new one.
ENTER STICKMAN.

Smith Machine vs. Free Weights

smith machine stickman — The thought is that the smith machine is “safer”. The problem is that the fixed path (whether linear or angled) causes stress on shoulders, elbows, spine, hips, and knees because you are forcing an unnatural angle onto these joints.

I see a lot of injuries from peeps loading up the smith machine to “safely max out” on bench, deadlifts, and shoulder presses. The thought is that the smith machine is “safer”. The problem is that the fixed path (whether linear or angled) causes stress on shoulders, elbows, spine, hips, and knees because you are forcing an unnatural angle onto these joints. Adding to possible damage from the unnatural path of motion on the joint, lifters will load a crap-ton of weight because a smith machine is “safer”.
Better choice? Use a squat cage with self spotters or use a (competent) human spotter. I’m not saying the smith is useless, I’m just saying don’t trick yourself into thinking it’s safe. BTW, the smith is a terrible way to “get used to squatting”. The mechanics and inherent stabilization does not teach proper squat movement.

Walking Lunges on a Treadmill (the one that pissed people off)

Walking Lunge stickman — I think the drawing is self-explanatory, but if you have 2 oposing forces that are focused on the knee, you will get shear in that joint. Now do this for 30-45 minutes and you are just destroying cartilage.

Man, I caught bunch of shit for this one from physique prep coaches. So many people have been told to do these by their trainer (or by a magazine) that they have just become part of the process. Ignorant prep coaches still prescribe this to “really lean out the hamstrings and glutes.” Phshhh…that’s dumb. ANY exercise you do while prepping will bring out the hams and glutes. Why? BECAUSE YOU ARE IN A CALORIE DEFICIT! I could prescribe hand-jive and you would lean out your hamstrings if you are on a prep diet.
FYI…lunges are a crappy hamsting/glute exercise anyways. You would be much better off doing deadlift variations and hip thrusts.

hand jive — For leaner hamstrings during prep…just hand-jive

Why Does a Barbell Press Feel Different than a Dumbbell Press?

stickman bench press — Definition: resultant n (Physics / General Physics) a single vector that is the vector sum of two or more other vectors

The answer is a basic physics. Friction created by your hands on a fixed bar as you lift creates a secondary force. This secondary force, coupled with the force of gravity, creates a resultant which changes the angle of resistance. The resultant is especially prevalent if you take a wide grip.
NOTE: the more you push your hands out or in on the press changes the angle of resistance even more. This is also why pushups feel so different. The resultant is created by the force of gravity and the friction of your hands on the floor (do pushups on a slippery floor and “feel the burn”).

Bonus: Deadlifting or Squatting with socks is NOT old school, it’s just dumb

Those slippery socks are creating a force which must be counteracted by your adductors to keep you from doing the splits with 405 on your ball sack (or female equivalent)

I get it…you want to lift “old school”, but you have dirty feet or toe fungus. Thanks for leaving your socks on, Bilbo. However, there is a problem with this that may be affecting your lift: those slippery socks are creating a force which must be counteracted by your adductors to keep you from doing the splits with 405 on your ball sack (or female equivalent). You may not even notice it…but your muscles and nervous system do.

The secondary issue is that those two opposing forces can wreak havoc on your knee joint. Maybe not immediately, but over time. And guess what causes most catastrophic knee injuries? Prolonged and repetitive crappy movement patterns. No one actually blows their ACL stepping off a curb. Their ACL blows when they step off a curb because their ACL is weak from 10 years moving like a dumb-ass.
The same force happens if you squat in socks also, especially on a platform. In fact, this may create even greater stress on the knee due to the greater knee flexion inherent in a squat.
So, maybe you go get a good pair of shoes. Those can be “old school” too.

If you read this all the way to the end, I really appreciate it. If you have some positive input for me, let me know.